I need to let you all know that I have to step away from this for the time being. Last week’s post, about how I had two big “stuffs” going on? Both of them took a pretty major turn for the worse late last week, which had had serious repercussions on my mental health and the way I hoped my immediate and long term future would pan out.
I’m struggling big time, and right now this is just something I can’t invest in. I can’t handle social media at all these days – I don’t even want to scroll through Twitter or Facebook anymore. I tried reading blogs on Monday, and I just couldn’t do it. I don’t have it in me. I don’t have the emotional energy to pretend to be okay, or to have enough interest in other people’s lives to be able to read their blog posts.
I’m in crisis mode, made worse by the fact that I’m in a double crisis mode, given the bad things that happened with both of my stuffs, and the fact that I’m not sure when the raw edge of these emotions will wear off. Though I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, right now that light is hidden by a series of curves, and while I keep pushing forward in the direction I know will get me there, I’m not to the point where I can see it quite yet.
This is the most intense quarterlife crisis I’ve dealt with to date. My therapist and my parents have been extremely supportive through all of it, but right now, I’m not able to handle much beyond the basics. You know Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, where a person can only progress up the pyramid when the previous level has been fulfilled? Right now, my physiological needs are being met, but by safety needs aren’t (to be clear, I’m not in danger – I am just lacking feelings of security as a result of the bad things that happened with my stuffs last week), which makes anything beyond that impossible to deal with right now. I’d file blogging/social media under the love/belonging level, and like I said, while I’m getting that in some areas, I can’t pour that kind of stuff out right now, including in a blogging context.
This is obviously not forever. I’ve done this for over four and a half years now, and I’m not going to walk away from this permanently. I can’t put a timeline on getting back into the swing of things, though, because I truly don’t know when things are going to get better enough for me to function as a full person. Right now, I feel like an iPhone that’s been put on low power mode, with the screen light turned all the way down and all apps closed, because the owner needs the phone’s battery to last, but doesn’t know when they’ll next find a charger. I know my “charger” exists, but I don’t know where it is, and until I find it, it’s critical that I don’t waste my “power” on extra things, which for me right now looks like blogging.
I’m sorry that things have been weird around here, and if you want to talk to me, my info’s on the contact page. I just can’t post everything for the whole world to see online, as these stuffs are not just personal issues to me.
See you when I see you, hopefully soon.