22nd because I’m banning the word “last” from my vocabulary for the next three months and 26 days.
I’m sitting at my desk shaking in my boots right now. Today is the first day of my second semester of senior year of college, and out of all the emotions I thought I might feel–relief, excitement, sadness, apathy?–fear was not one of them. But here I am, scared silly like I’m about to head off to my first day of kindergarten or something like that.
I’m not scared because of my classes. (Well, I am slightly scared of one of my classes…a conditioning class with the volleyball coach that is absolutely going to kick my booty. But that’s an excited sort of scared 🙂 ) I’m scared because of what comes after this. I’m not scared about finding a job, because even if some things I’m hoping for don’t work out I’ve got a backup plan that will for sure employ me through the end of August and could go longer if I needed it to. I’m not particularly scared about moving out of my parents’s house after graduation.
I’m scared about my friends. Last night I went to a friend’s house to watch the BCS championship game (because, as difficult as this may be to believe, I was the only one in my six girl apartment that wanted to watch football on a Monday night. Go figure.), and as I sat on his futon watching the game, I became acutely aware of how little time I have left. That realization has left me pretty miserable since last night.
I know relationship turnover is part of life. You make new friends, you lose some friends, and that’s all perfectly normal. What’s scaring me the most right now is the unknown of who will stay and who will go after our tassels are turned. I’ve had some friends here that are very situational–we’ve been friends because we had the same class, because we lived by each other–and I recognize that after graduation, we probably won’t keep in touch. It’s my other friendships that I worry about. I know it’s silly to let myself get so upset about these things, especially when I have solid evidence from my past that I’m perfectly capable of maintaining relationships while I’m away–I think I grew closer to some of my college friends during my semester off-campus than I did in the time I spent here. The difference between that one semester and graduation, though, is that I knew I’d be back after my semester away. There’s no coming back after graduation, at least not in that sense.
I said earlier that I want to spend this semester developing the relationships I have, and I still feel that way. To be honest, though, I’m a little scared about that as well. I don’t want to force myself on people whose friendships I want to keep after graduation if they don’t feel the same way, if that makes any sense. My fear of being too much has a tendency to keep me from being anything at all, though, which is just as problematic.
Day One. Semester Eight. This is where I’m at. It’s going to be some semester.